I'm never satisfied

 

 It's a bittersweet night for me. Fuck it. I'm gonna be me... sweatpant loving, junk food eating, sailor-swearing, wino, little old me. 

I've often embraced change. I used to seek it. I thought I found something worth settling down for so here I am and I can't lie- sometimes I still wonder who I really am. Not that I'm not happy with who I am as a whole, but I wonder sometimes why I've made the decisions I've made. It's somewhat of a paradox that when we are young we are also stupid, yet I look back and surprise myself with what intelligence I have had over the years. There's a sort of bravery that accompanies naivety. Part of me knows what I'm doing. The other part of me is so wavering that it's hard to keep that in mind. Overall I want stability even if a big part of me says fuck it, I want to move to Belgium, open a brewery, and spend the rest of my days eating, drinking and being merry.  

Don't take this too seriously but I find something oddly romantic about living free and having a few European lovers to color the story of my life. 

I watch too many movies.

Cory has been in Japan for about 5 months now. To be honest, when I see pictures he's tagged in on Facebook, I get sad. I'll never tell him that and unless he reads this, I doubt he'll ever know. It's not even out of jealousy.. he's having an experience that I've always wished for him. On the other hand, I often wish that his path in life would have brought him closer to me rather than farther away. I envy siblings who are close. It's a very strange feeling to realize I'm living in such a way where I rarely think of the one person who is most closely related to me.

Before I spill my guts any further, I need to tuck myself into bed. Goodnight folks.